I am just not that good at photoshop really especially if it is my own face I am editing. I can't take good photos of people. It is a specific talent to do that. I am never happy with my face because I see so many very beautiful faces everyday in comparison. So many of our celebrities must think the same way because they look weirder and weirder like my photo here. I don't look like that. I look uglier and darker. It says a lot about my prejudices that I even care about appearances. If you say you don't care about looks, it's a lie.
Nearly everybody care about looks, the beauty industry is worth billions of dollars.
It works so hard to make women and increasingly men feel inadequate and ashamed of the appearance of their face and body. The more prominent or famous one is, the worse it must be I imagine. so, there is a type of consolation in the thought that I am not alone in my self-loathing of my pockmarked moon-face. The saying that beauty is only skin deep is probably relevant here but I'm sure it was penned down by a white person. The fact is one cannot get to know a person better if at first glance they put you in a box labelled, 'not a real Aussie'. Now please don't think I am a racist, oh alright, go ahead maybe I am but only in reverse. People who don't like me because I look the way I do are probably not the sort I want to associate with anyway.
The older I get the uglier I become. It seems like our faces are like rags, they accumulate dirt and grot. What is really ironic about my pursuit for an ideal is that many light-skinned white women that I idolised is that they would put tanning lotion to have my skin colour. I can't understand that. I guess this is why the late Michael Jackson lightened his skin so much to be liked. It is also very disturbing that he is well-known for abusing little white children. The fact that a lighter-skinned negro is in the White house hardly change deeply ingrained prejudices that is completely unavoidable. When I was working in pharmacy, we have so many dark-skinned girls (some are actually darker than mine-wonders of wonders) coming in so often asking for skin lighteners. It is actually dangerous to do this because most preparations around do not bleach the skin evenly. The effect is patchy, extremely unsightly. Most actually peel off the top layer of skin. The dark pigments- Melanin actually protects the harmful rays (invisible UVA-UVB) of the harsh Australian sun. When this thin layer is stripped away, the result is inevitably skin cancer!
It is not only about skin colour. I see so many people like me with the same racial background but blessed with fine and delicate features like a straight, more pointy nose and no flaring nostrils like mine. I know all about people saying, 'If we all look doll-like, the world would be a boring place.' Sure you would say that because you have a Hollywood doll face and I don't. Employers are going to give you a job since we have similar degrees and qualifications. It is not what you know but what you look like. People are bound to choose the more fair and beautiful among us because we are wired like that. It's been proven that people with even, fine and symmetrical features are considered more attractive and desirable, no matter what racial background. Although it can be sexual but this tendency to choose the aesthetically pleasing applies even to the inanimate. Infants are calmed to see a beautiful face and cries when an ugly person with uneven features looks at them. This is why I try to not look at babies' faces because its just so embarassing when they cry after seeing my attempts to smile.
I am probably being unfair here. I am married to an Anglo who is a lot older than I am. He looked better when he was younger of course just as I did. I can tell that people are embarassed to be seen with us so, we just stop socialising. I also have a son, he is half Australian and half Filipino. He looks better than his parents. My hubby hates his hawk-like nose. We jokingly say that it arrives half an hour earlier than the rest of him. He probably feels bad that I laugh so loudly at this and hurt his feelings. He would retaliate by saying that my parents must have thrown me against the wall when I was young so often that I ended up with a pug face. That will shut me up pretty quickly.
When I am with young white people, they look so pretty and becoming that I forget what I look like. If you close your eyes while talking to me, I don't sound 'different' or ethnic, no accent other than the Australian inflection. Then, we go past some reflective windows and I get a jolt of what I really look like. I am not white! Then the depression sets in. Much later, people would miss me and ring to find out why I've been avoiding people and forgetfulness will set in again. So, the cycle continues. These days are marginally better with the arrival of email and facebook. I can avoid mirrors at home and I hate going out for this very reason. Shop windows are just so cruel. I prefer to shop at Vinnies and op shops because the lighting is bad, everything is cheaper and the cut is better (I can pick out European or designer labels for a song).
A blind person will never know that I am not a dinky-di aussie. People like me pretend that they are not different but this self-deception bites us in the tail at the unexpected times. When I was younger (in my teens and twenties) when I first arrived in Australia, I was proud of the fact that I was 'unusual' but my difference is tarnished, not bright and shiny anymore. I had long periods of feeling being truly Australian due to the fact that white people around me treated me very well just as though I was one of them. Then, something happens, little things that noone else notices would highlight that I am an Asian girl and that Asians seems to be everywhere. I have this inner horrible voice in my head, my avatar (who is a racist) that says, 'Asians like you are taking over'. So, I become very strange and trying to look invisible, hang around at the edges of crowds, hoping not to look too conspicuous. I try to avoid tourists and this inner turmoil changes me completely, from being a fun loving girl to a morose and anti-social grump. To compensate for not being a blonde, blue-eyed, I developed an interesting personality to compensate for the 'ugliness' of this perceived difference.
After reading this, you will have a fair idea about the pathetic feelings and insecurities that I have in terms of appearance but do not let this mislead you about my intelligence. I do have a brain behind the ugly face. What I wrote here are my opinions and I am speaking for myself. I'm sure many Indo-Malays PROBABLY never had the same feelings but I would not bet a great deal of money on that.
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